I had hoped, by this time, to announce that we had received our updated foster care license, but that still hasn't happened. Several weeks ago we sat with our friend Julia in a training session with our agency, Guidestone, and a roomful of other foster parents. Julia has consistently been a few weeks ahead of us in "the process" and had, at that time, just received her state-approved license. Since we submitted our homestudy and other documentation only a few weeks after Julia, we expected that we would hear about our approval by now. Nope.
In the beginning, I started this blog in an open forum. I intended for it to be a journal of one family's journey through "the process." I started anonymously in the event that people I knew might stumble upon it. Later, through carelessness, I posted from my regular account instead of through my new "Anonymous Dad" account. When I discovered my mistake I realized that since almost no one was really reading my postings the risk of discovery was low so I didn't bother deleting them and re-posting from the other account. Still, even this far into the process, we haven't told our families that we are doing this. At this point there really isn't a good reason other than we haven't thought of a way to do it and it hasn't ever felt like the "right" time. At the moment we are thinking that we will tell them when our license arrives. If we don't we will run the very real risk of explaining it to them after a child has come to live with us. I expect that would be rather awkward.
We are still looking at the bedrooms in our house and thinking about how we could arrange furniture and where we could put beds so that no one tries to hang from the ceiling fans but, for now we are...
...still waiting.
A journal recording one family's adventure in a new adoption. My wife and I have already adopted three children but each experience is different. Join us as we travel down a new road together.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Still Waiting
Labels:
foster,
Guidestone,
homestudy,
paperwork,
waiting
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Why the Russian Adoption Ban is a Disaster in Slow Motion
By now most of you have heard about the adoption ban put
into law in Russia. It all began with an
attempt by our United States government to rein in human rights violations in Russia. President Obama signed the Magnitsky Act,
which provides sanctions against Russian citizens deemed by the US to have
violated human rights. Prior to this,
the Russian government was concerned about the abuse some Russian children have
received at the hands of their adoptive parents in the United States but had
only recently, in November, 2012, signed a new treaty designed to provide
greater access for Russian officials who desired to review the treatment of
adopted children. This new agreement was
only in place for eight weeks before the adoption ban was signed by President
Putin.
The Russian government claims that the adoption ban was
necessary because they were not getting access to the documents that the new treaty
was supposed to give them and the American government claims that the whole
thing is just retaliation for passing the Magnitsky Act. Whichever is true, it is neither the American
nor the Russian government that is the big loser. The big losers remain the children who will
remain in Russian orphanages instead of in loving homes.
I know something about this.
Our family includes two children who were adopted from a Russian
orphanage. The trauma that they suffered
in their first year of life has been a real education. Before we witnessed it firsthand, I never would
have believed that children could be so damaged in their first year of
life. We were always told that “Love
heals all wounds,” and “Love conquers all,” and things like that. We genuinely believed it when people told us
that all we had to do was take them home and love them. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Thankfully, the problems that our children
have, though not insignificant, are not nearly what other parents, whom we’ve
met, live with every day. Some of the neurological,
emotional and psychological problems that grow out of living in an orphanage, even
for a few months, are frightening.
While I could not ever condone abuse, I have seen enough to
understand how parents of some of these children could reach a point where they
simply don’t know what else to do. Many
parents do not abuse these damaged children but recognize that they cannot cope
with the behaviors of their children and choose to dissolve or disrupt the
adoption. That means what it sounds like;
they go in front of a judge and declare that they are no longer the
parents. This frees them, but makes the
children orphans yet again and turns their care over to the state in which they
live, or to yet another set of adoptive parent and cause still more emotional
and psychological damage.
Children from former Eastern bloc countries (primarily
Russia and Ukraine) bear a higher risk for behavioral problems and eventual
adoption disruption. We don’t completely
know why, but although similar problems are seen in children from other nations,
these children see higher rates of disruption than any others. I cannot quote any particular sources but I
have heard estimates as high as 10-20 percent.
That means that even with the resources of wealthier American parents,
even with parents who love them, even with access to modern medical and
psychological care, between one in ten and one in five of these kids have real,
serious problems. Do the Russians have
a right to be concerned about what is happening to their children? Certainly.
But what happens if they don’t come here, don’t have parents, and
don’t have access to care? Russia does
not have a history of adoption. Adoption
is not a part of their culture. While
adoption does happen, fewer Russian children are adopted by Russians than by
Americans, and we are just one country among many who has, until now, been able
to adopt from Russia. Children who
remain in Russian orphanages are likely to stay there until they “age out,”
until they are old enough that the Russian government turns them loose on the
streets with no support whatsoever. The
majority of children who age out of Russian orphanages will end up dead or in prison
within two years.
Yes, these children can be scarred and damaged by even a few
months in an orphanage. Yes, we should
strive with all that is within us to do a better job than we are doing. No. No
child should suffer abuse at the hands of their parents regardless of their
behavior. But the Russian government
needs to look in the mirror as well. Our
system may not be perfect, but an adoption ban that prohibits these children
from coming home to loving parents doesn’t fix the problem and in reality only
makes it worse.
As usual, when grown-ups fight, the ones who lose... are the
children.
Labels:
adoption,
adoption ban,
age out,
prison,
Putin,
Reactive Attachment Disorder,
Russia
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